I did it. I finally took the step I had been reserving in secret. With tears streaming down my face & a lump in my throat I went through my phone & my laptop & managed to delete all traces of him. After two months of no contact I saw him by accident yesterday & immediately became paralyzed. I felt like a searing hot poker went through my heart while simultaneously a bucket of ice cold water was released down my spine. I ordered my burger, waited & left the burger joint without making eye contact but i could feel his stare the entire time. I couldn’t eat the burger after that. Of course I got a text afterward of well wishes for me from him. The rest of the day & until 3:30 that am an exchange that ranged from heated blame & resentful attacks to sweet revisits of times long gone to hopes for each other to ultimately me releasing him from a possible future together. Today, I went to pay a bill and found myself driving to his house. I didn’t plan on doing this but i’m glad I did. There on his side yard where he smokes his cigarettes I found him. He did not know I was coming. We hugged, we kissed gently… his sweat in between my fingers and my hand on the back of his neck, we spoke briefly of how we cannot be together. I knew why my body took me there. I knew then I went there for closure. So before I left we held each other & I looked into his eyes fighting back tears in mine. I looked up at him and asked him to at least this time, at least NOW…. to be honest. to come clean. He had managed to come clean in the recent exchanges about all other things but ALWAYS kept one nugget to himself. I know he must have known that if he uttered the words that he would truly release me & no longer have control over me. I begged him & said “it’s ok to say it… it’s ok” and he stood still holding me as we looked in each other’s eyes as he said what I have known all this time: “I am not in love with you.”. FINALLY, some truth. I feel like I can move on now as he surely has already. I feel that he saw a saviour from his hell he lived in at the time i met him, i feel like he REALLY wanted to be the man he pretended to be - the man i said I would hold out for, I feel like he used the promise of love to get out of the previous relationship & jump in it with me. I feel like when I showed my human sides i ceased to be the 100% secure, sex object that could save him from self-doubt & body image issues & decades of collected indiscretions & shameful behavior. I know I have my part in this. I know I became an untrusting snoop, an insecure nag, a demanding bother. But I did not start out this way. I started out as someone who could enjoy the other & myself without giving my heart or compromising the foundation I built around it. But my mistake was giving it away as soon as he asked me to trust him with my heart; so recklessly without having been patient or doing my research. Had i listened to my inner voice i would have moved slowly & cautiously & might have seen the patterns of destruction in the wake of his former relationship. Had I listened to my conscious I would have seen right through the charm & the shininess of it all. I don’t regret it too much, a lot of beauty was created between the two of us but it is not unlike the kind of beauty i can create with another… or within myself. I HAVE done so before, by myself. But I bought into the hope. In this relationship i turned into a spiteful, resentful little man. And I own that. And today along with letting go of that facade of a man who never was, i let go of trying to make him pay or answer for the wreckage he created. It’s not important. He may NEVER have to pay for it or ever even get honest about it. And I would be damaging myself even longer & further if I focus on that. Instead I will focus on healing. Looking at my part in the demise of his love of & for me because it had been gone long before I ended it with him for good. The facts remain the same: we both have wants & needs the other cannot provide. And as of today the fact is the truth: he does not love me. So, I focus on time being the healer of all things & I pray it will cure me of my love for him. Because I operate under the notion that when you truly love another, you do whatever it takes to see that love through. Is it fantasy? he says I need to get over my idea of a fairy tale love. Maybe it is. But it sure wasn’t ideal on a logical level, though. I could NEVER hope to have him pat my back in a congratulatory gesture or a hug from him when I wept for loved ones passings. Encouraging words like “don’t worry babe, it will work out” would be something I would have to sacrifice in exchange for being told I wasn’t welcomed to demonstrate PDA. My attempts to show support by way of involving myself in his health management was quickly & fiercely rejected as were my massages after long work days or servings of food at public events. Still, i figured “ok, so he is going through a change, i should respect that and not hug him at Bearracuda or any other event where other gay men might be so to not embarrass him”. This and my then elusive self-respect is why I chose to relieve him of the burden of “spending time with me” - that along with the fact that he was very actively practicing his ability to obtain gratification outside of our relationship at the cost of honesty & compromising the integrity of our relationship made it clear that i needed to start somewhere.. i needed to put into action the death of my love for him. Today is a good day, even though my head is throbbing from having cried so much and so hard. Today is good because i no longer have to hold on to hope for us reconciling. Today is good because he finally cared enough for me to let me be free of delusion. Today is good because i know I was NOT crazy to believe he did not love me.   So… i wait now. and pray. and ask. and bargain. and fume. and cry. and lay still. and throw punches in the air.and repeat. until hopefully one day. I stop.